Ask The Celebration Advisor: I have sent wedding invitations for my daughters wedding. They were specifically addressed to only the adults. I have started receiving the RSVP's and people have added children.  How do I let them know it is only for adults?

Thank you
J.

Wedding & Party Celebration Advisor Answer:

I think the best way to handle this is to stand firm in this decision. There is a good reason your daughter's wedding is an adult only wedding. I suggest that you send out another formal notice or contact them however you prefer and say, "Our wedding is for adults only, however, here are a list of babysitters and their contact information" Make sure to research babysitters or find a few in your area that you can give your guests. You may even find a babysitter for your daughter's wedding so guests will be able to drop their children off at a specific place and they'll be close by. I hope this is helpful!

In the US it is customary for the maid/matron of honor and the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses.  But what happens if the dress the bride picks for the maids is very expensive and not all the bridesmaids can afford the dress?

With the tough economics times, this predicament is happening often. What should you do if this problem comes up as your planning your wedding? What is the proper wedding etiquette?

These are your friends so you're going to have a heads up on their personal issue such as a job layoff.  Good etiquette dictates that you speak to each woman and make sure they feel comfortable with the price.

If not, offer to pay for the bridesmaid dress. If you can't afford to pay for the dress yourself, then it is time to reevaluate the dress choice.  Can you rent them?  If n0t, is there a suitable less expensive substitute?

Keep in mind that you want these women to be a part of your wedding. It is one of the biggest days of your life.  The bridesmaid dress they wear shouldn't be as important as them not being at your wedding.

Family can make this issue a bit tricky, especially when it is your new family that may be having the money issue.  What I suggest for instance, if your new to be sister-in-law is the one with the money issue then your fiancé should speak with his sister.  You should definitely be there when he does.

In this case, you and your fiancé should offer to pay for the bridesmaid dress.  Let her know that it is a gift that you would like to share with her, because you both want her in the wedding party.

The best thing you can do when faced with this situation, is to not make a big deal out of it.  Work with your friends and family to come up with a solution.  Remember, the key to a great wedding is for it to be conflict free.

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The last thing an engaged couple wants is to have to postpone their wedding. Sometimes, postponement is the right thing to do when circumstances dictate that a later date is better. Health problems, family issues or the couple realizing they need more time to work on their relationship issues are all reasons why some people decide to postpone their wedding.

When that happens, it is critical that the couple handle the decision by being proactive–and that means letting people hear directly from the couple themselves that the wedding has been postponed. Couples are sometimes embarrassed about needing to put the wedding off, so they don't say anything and just let friends and family find out through the "all-too-untrustworthy" grapevine.

This "inactive" approach can cause a lot of confusion, speculation and rumors that can make an awkward situation downright horrible.  If people aren't given the correct information, they have a tendency to assume or make up wrong information.

The couple should be as up-front about the postponement as they were about announcing the original wedding date. Did they send out a "save the date" card? Then I think it's highly appropriate (and appreciated) if they send out a card letting guests know the wedding has been postponed.

I have friends who recently did this via Facebook because that's how they let many of their guests know about the original wedding date.  And while you don't have to give specifics, it's always appreciated to let your guests know why you've decided to postpone the wedding. "Due to Amy's dad's recent bout with cancer, we've decided to postpone the wedding…" or "Because we realize we just need a little more time to get to know each other, we've decided to wait until January to marry."

You don't have to give intimate details–just be honest and up-front. When you do set a new date, let people know with the same enthusiasm as you did at the beginning.

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It's that time of year again, when young men and women will take their finals and move on to their next stage of life. Graduation invitations will arrive, money and gifts will be exchanged, and young boys and girls will take a major step into adulthood.

Many of these graduates will receive monetary gifts to help them as they move to college, begin jobs or move out to live on their own. Writing thank-you notes for such a gift can be difficult. Unlike weddings, where many of the gifts are for immediate use, thanking people for a gift money is much more difficult, particularly when the recent grad is unsure of his or her plans for the money.

Still, however, thank-you notes are a must for anyone who gives a gift of any kind, no exemptions. The good news is, by following a few basic guidelines, writing graduation thank you notes doesn't have to be a chore. In fact, it can turn into a rewarding experience of thanking those who have shown valuable care and support.

1. Personalize your notes. I know, sending a generic thank-you note to 50 people would be so much easier. However, adding a personal touch to a card to someone who took the time to send you a gift is the only way to go. Famous etiquette expert Peggy Post said it best: "Do remember that a gift should be acknowledged with the same courtesy and generous spirit in which it was given."

Handwritten notes are by far the best when thanking someone for a gift. Do not print generic cards with only your signature. Sit down a write a few sentences and sign. It doesn't have to be a lengthy note, but a few words thanking the sender will go a long way.

Choosing a unique design is another way to add a special touch to a thank-you note. Cards no longer have to be simple, white and monogrammed. They can have sparkle, color and whatever personalization you choose. Sending your thanks in quality stationery shows that put extra effort in showing your gratitude.

2. Be Timely: This is probably the most difficult part of thank-you etiquette to observe. Trips, moving, studying and countless other activities get in the way as recent grads try to cram as much in over the course of their last summer vacation before school begins in the fall. Sending thank you notes is probably toward the bottom of their list, somewhere next to packing and doing the dishes.

Still, when it comes to graduation thank-you notes, the sooner the better. Although, keep going if you're still sending them out after a few months. The main point is to make certain every gift giver gets a proper thank-you.

3. Be Specific. This could fall under the "personalize" category; however, it is vital to note how the gift will be put to use. Once again, this would be much easier if it was mixer or photo frame, but any effort to let the giver know exactly how they helped will be greatly appreciated. For example, if Aunt Abigail sent $100 and a congratulatory card, a possible reply would be:

Dear Aunt Abigail,

Thank you for sending the thoughtful card and check. Your generosity will certainly come in handy when it's time to purchase text books in the fall.  Thank you for thinking of me, and I hope to see you when I return home for Christmas break.

Sincerely,

Bobby

As you can see, a note does not need to be long to be effective. Also, acknowledging the amount of a monetary gift is optional. In fact, it may be a useful way of letting the sender know that the amount arrive in tact. Don't, however, base your efforts on the value of the gift. Put the same effot into each thank you note.

4. Thank those who didn't send gifts. If you have friends or loved ones who came to your gradation, send them a thank you note as well. Let them know that you are grateful for their attendance and look forward to seeing them again when you return home.

As you can see, while necessary, sending thank-you notes following graduation doesn't need to be difficult. Acknowleding those who have supported you throughout the years and made an effort to see you through to the next step is a vital part of gradution. Take the time to thank them, as they took the time to lend their support.

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Photo by Robert Crum via Flickr Creative Commons.

Here's a good one. The party's over. You want to send a thank-you card to the host/hostess. When should you send it? The simplest answer to this question is to send thank-you cards as soon as possible. You always have a window but it's different for brides than for party guests. Here's the difference.

Sending Thank You Cards After A Wedding

Most people do not expect thank-you cards to arrive quickly after a wedding because the couple is on their honeymoon. They know you're busy. It can wait a week. If it waits two…or three…or four…they'll probably think you've forgotten about them, returned the gift or didn't like it.

So, you have a window of about two (2) weeks to get your kind words in the mail. This is not to say that you should wait until the very last minute and start filling out the cards two weeks after your return. Instead, avoid a lot of hassle by getting them finished a few days after your return. This will give you time to rest and recuperate but is still inside an acceptable time frame for guests.

Just a little tip: Thank you cards for wedding gifts/attendance/participation should always be mailed or hand-delivered. Like other wedding stationery, treat thank-you cards as if they were a prized possession for the recipient. After all, they are! They're from you!!

Sending Thank You Cards After A Party

Again, the thank-yous should be sent as soon as possible. Party hosts like to receive thank-you notes within 1-7 days. Life is busy and hosts are understanding if they don't receive a thank-you note right away. Many won't expect the "thank you" at all. In this way, it's an extra warm feeling when they receive your thank-you card.

Just a little tip: Thank-you cards for parties can be sent through the mail or hand-delivered. While email is the communication beacon of today, choose this option almost last (texting is the lowest on the list).

Ask The Celebration Advisor: Please settle an argument between me and my mom. What is the best wedding dress style for a late afternoon fall wedding in Niagara Falls, NY? I want a strapless wedding dress but my mom says it needs to have sleeves. She says it's tradition for late-year weddings. Is that still the proper etiquette for wedding dresses or can I get away with wearing the one that I want? ~Nancy, Niagara Falls, NY

The Celebration Advisor: Nancy, I hate to admit this but you're both right! Traditional etiquette says that a full-length skirt and small jacket or sleeves is appropriate for a wedding ceremony during the cooler times of the year. This has a lot to do with what was socially acceptable at the time. Just as much of it was to  keep the bride comfy. Also, a small wedding dress jacket can easily be removed for the reception but is seasonally appropriate attire. Sleeves can't be removed but no one said they had to be stiff and bulky.

In your defense, the modern wedding is all about the bride and which wedding dress style she prefers. While traditional values are still appreciated, there is no standard etiquette that brides are holding to these days. Most simply try to coordinate their hairstyle with the neckline of their gown, the style of dress they want with the formality of their wedding, the type of dress with the location and other important considerations. If it makes you comfortable and you think it looks good, it's perfectly acceptable in a modern wedding.

Consider These Beautiful Wedding Dress Styles for Your Fall Wedding

If you really want to go along with your mother on this, there are many beautiful wedding dresses with light jackets. Also consider lace sleeves or something similar. A long skirt can be gorgeous with many of the wedding dress styles of today.

• Mermaid style wedding dresses are form fitting through the upper thigh but then loosen into a more flowing train.
• Empire wedding dresses are usually made of lighter fabrics. They have a very short train that gives the bride a semi-formal look.
• Column style wedding dresses are very simple. They are usually floor-length gowns without a train. These are usually the preferred dresses for second weddings and semi-formal affairs. These can be easily accentuated with a light jacket and still maintain a very beautiful appearance.
• A-line/Princess wedding gowns are arguably the most popular style for modern brides. These are simple enough to allow the bride to move freely without 15 attendants for her train. However, they are also gorgeous and rather formal. They present the best of both worlds.
• Ball Gown style wedding dresses are exactly what you'd think they are. Picture Cinderella's wedding and you're on the mark. These have full, elaborate skirts and a less dramatic bodice. You really are the queen for a day in a wedding gown like this.

If you want to hold your own in the debate, you are right also. Modern weddings have less stringent traditions. The brides of today are able to wear whatever they want. Many are even wearing colorful wedding gowns! If your  mother's argument is mostly that "it's traditional," you can respectfully disregard that advice. The modern bride's wedding is all about her and what she wants.

If you want to wear something sleeveless, that's fine. If you want to  honor your mother's wishes and wear sleeves or a light jacket, that's great too. I recommend column, a-line, or empire styles if you opt for a jacket. All styles can benefit from one but these seem to be the most suited and popular. (That means easier to find!!)

My best recommendation is to find a compromise. Ask your mother if a sleeveless wedding dress would be ok with her. Perhaps something with thin straps but not strapless (works great with an empire style). This way you can still choose a neckline, satisfy your mother, and look beautiful on your wedding day.

Let me know which dress you pick! If your mother is anything like my mother, you'll look beautiful in a wedding dress with sleeves. *grin*

Before I forget…A shout out to the wonderful people who let me use their photos!

* The photo of the bride wearing a wedding dress jacket was provided by Photographs by Lawrence, a wedding photographer in Marietta Oklahoma.

* The photo of the bride wearing a strapless wedding dress was provided by Prange's Florist in Gainesville Florida (she provided the gorgeous bridal bouquet also seen in the photo).

While it's easy to let a wedding invitation fall into a pile of mail and be forgotten, it is poor guest etiquette to do so. In wedding etiquette, it is proper to r.s.v.p. promptly.

There are many reasons why you should choose to respond quickly. Two stand out above the others. First, responding quickly allows for a more accurate head count. Brides need this information when preparing seating charts, making arrangements with the caterer and dealing with other limited-space matters. Responding quickly is a kind gesture that will allow the bride an easier planning process. Plus you'll have more time to shop for the gift!

It is particularly important to r.s.v.p. to a wedding invitation if you do not plan to attend. Though rare, the bride may wish to send another invite in lieu of your attendance. That is not to say that one guest is preferred over another or that your lack of presence will go unnoticed. She may simply decide to invite her groom's boss's nephew after all.

It's nice and it frees up time for both you and the couple planning a wedding. When etiquette matters, respond to a wedding invitation post haste.

Dear Celebration Advisor: I am wanting to give my sister, who is fighting cancer, a surprise birthday dinner party. My husband and I cannot afford to pay for all the guests. On the invitation how would you word it so the guests know that the cost is $15.00 per person to attend. It is a rather awkward thing to ask so I do want to do it in a non-offensive way. Can you help me??? Thanks for your help! Anita

Reply:

This can be a tricky situation. According to Emily Post, you can't ask guest to essentially pay to attend. It is suggested that you cut the guests list down or find a less expensive venue. However, I don't necessarily agree that a party can't be "dutch treat".

This is how I usually handle those "dutch treat" parties. I don't send formal invitations. Instead I do my invites by phone or even email. When I send the invitation by email it goes something like this:

Sally's birthday is Friday May 8th. I am taking her to Godsey's restaurant for dinner at 7pm. I thought it would be a nice surprise if some of her friends were there to surprise her. I thought you might want to join us. The restaurant is going to reserve an area for our "dutch-treat" get-together. The entrees run anywhere from $15.00-$30.00. Please let me know if you will be joining us.

The most important thing is to keep the tone informal and not to declare host status. If you must send a printed invitation, keep in mind it must still reflect an informal party tone. My suggest is to word the invitation something like this:

The Friends Of Sally Miller
will gather on Saturday May, 10th
at 7pm at Godsey's Restaurant
to celebrate her birthday.

This gathering is a surprise!
To RSVP call
Jane Baker at 870-555-5555

This party invitation wording keeps the occasion tone informal. Notice the status of host is not declared in this invitation. When a party is "Dutch treat", it does not have a host per say. If you feel the need to include the term "dutch treat" on invitation do it at the bottom of the invitation like this

This gathering will be "Dutch Treat"
call Jane For restaurant information

I hope this information will help you plan a wonderful party for your sister. Please keep me posted.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I am giving a bridal luncheon/shower.  The invitation only says bridal luncheon.  On the enclosure about the bridal registry, can I say "You may choose your shower gift from the bridal registry" and list the bridal registry or just have the bridal registries listed.  I think most people know this is also a shower, but I want to make sure and I want to do it properly.  Thanks! Anne

The Celebration Advisor:

Anne,

A bridal luncheon when held in conjunction with a shower must follow the same etiquette as a bridal shower.  Etiquette dictates that registry information should be included with the invitation.  However, the wedding registry information must NOT be on the invitation itself.  It must be on a separate note and Continue reading "Etiquette Issue: Including Wedding Registry Info on Bridal Luncheon Invitation" »

Ask The Expert: I have been invited to attend a Kwanzaa celebration at a friend's house.  What do I need to know a Kwanzaa and what kind of hostess gift etiquette applies?

Wedding and Party Network: That's a great question! Many people want to help friends and loved ones enjoy Kwanzaa though they themselves have not celebrated the holiday. Enjoying Kwanzaa for the first time is also a significant occasion that merits special attention. Even those who have celebrated Kwanzaa for years can benefit from understanding the holiday's gift giving etiquette.

First, let's start with some background information on Kwanzaa. The holiday was founded in Continue reading "Ask The Expert: What Gifts Can I Send For Kwanzaa?" »