Ask The Celebration Advisor: My best friends sister is getting married next weekend and we have come down to the question of what is the proper etiquette on how are father should give her away! Her mother passed away a year ago so it would not be formal to say her mother and I since she is no longer living. But they would like to somehow mention her mom in giving her away. Any suggestions???? ~ Teresa G

The Celebration Advisor: Giving the bride away is an honor usually reserved for the father, but this too has received many amendments as modern brides shift toward personalized weddings and respecting the roles of blended families. For your friend’s wedding, it is perfectly acceptable for her father to say “her mother and I do” if the bride wishes. As this is merely personalizing the wedding and honoring a loved one, your friend is not breaking any strict etiquette rules by using “her mother and I do”.

There are also other ways that couples are choosing to honor deceased loved ones. Your friend may wish to include something like this as well.

• Set up a memorial table for the deceased loved one that includes a photo and a small card with a sweet poem or a memento
• Have a moment of silence during the ceremony  (usually at the beginning of the ceremony before/directly after the bride is presented)
• Light a candle in the deceased’s honor
• Wear something that once belonged to or honors the deceased (such as a necklace, the mother’s veil, etc.)
• Have the father-of-the bride present a flower to the couple as he places the bride’s hand in the grooms (the flower represents the loved one)

There are also ways to honor a loved one during the wedding reception:

• Ask guests for a charitable contribution in the deceased’s name in lieu of wedding gifts
• Include the deceased in a wedding toast, or let the toastmaster know that this would be nice
• Choose the deceased’s favorite wedding cake flavor, place a small note beside the cake explaining this
• Cutting a piece of cake in honor of the deceased and either eating it later or presenting it to the surviving spouse

These are all very special and significant ways to honor someone who has passed before the time of the wedding ceremony. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a bride or groom wanting to honor their loved one. Including a small token of affection such as the ones above will help make the day feel “complete” for all who wish the deceased could’ve been present on the special day.

For more ideas on how to honor loved ones at your wedding, you may be interested in these brief articles:

Eight Unique Ways To Personalize Your Wedding
Honoring Others On Your Wedding Day

You’ll never forget your maid of honor duties when you have this helpful wedding checklist! It fits easily in a wedding planner, a wallet, or your purse and conveniently keeps all of your maid of honor duties within reach. Your best friend is getting married and needs your help to make the wedding planning run smoothly. For you, it’s as easy as performing these few simple task!

Maid of Honor Pre Wedding Duties

• Help bride shop for gown (if she desires)
• Help bride shop for bridesmaids dresses
• Get the word out about the wedding registry, even if listed elsewhere
• Coordinate bridesmaids’ dress order, fittings, alterations, payment, and dressing
• Arrange the travel and lodging for the bridesmaids
• Organize bridesmaids on wedding day
• Fix the bride’s train before the processional starts
• Attend rehearsal dinner
• Create a wedding day emergency kit (just a reminder!)
• Plan and attend the wedding shower and/or bachelorette party
• Help with wedding planning tasks (a girl needs all the hands she can get!)

Maid of Honor Duties During The Ceremony:

• Walk down the aisle during the processional
• Adjust bride’s train once she reaches the altar
• Hold the bridal bouquet while the bride and groom exchange vows
• Carry the groom’s wedding ring
• Sign marriage license as a witness
• Walk in the recessional with the best man
• Organize programs, tossing petals, etc.

Maid of Honor Duties During The Reception:

• Stand in receiving line (if appropriate)
• Help bride bustle her gown
• Sit at head table next to groom (if wedding party is seated at head table)
• Prepare and present a toast to the couple
• Dance with best man during first dance (if the wedding party is asked to participate)
• Help direct vendors as needed (the bride shouldn’t have to worry with this on her big day)

Maid of Honor Duties After The Wedding:

• Take the bride’s wedding dress to the dry cleaner
• Help organize gifts and gift checks brought to the reception
• Help oversee wrap-up after wedding reception (if needed)

Keeping up with who-does-what at a wedding can be very tedious. Instead of worrying about what your bridesmaid duties are and threatening your enjoyment of the wedding, use this checklist instead! This wedding checklist of bridesmaids duties is the fastest and easiest way to recognize your part in helping things run smoothly. Wedding planning has never been so simple!

Pre-Wedding Bridesmaids Duties:

• May assist in shopping for dress
• Attend at least one bridesmaid dress shopping event (unless an out-of-town attendant)
• Get fittings and alterations as needed
• Help with wedding planning errands
• Help plan wedding shower and/or bachelorette party
• Attend the parties!

Bridesmaids Duties At The Ceremony:

• Walk in the processional (might be with groomsman)
• Stand at the altar or stage throughout the ceremony
• Walk with a groomsman in the recessional
• Help bride dress and prepare for the wedding

Bridesmaids Duties At The Reception:

• Might be announced at the reception
• Sit at head table (if reserved)
• Take part in first dance (if wedding party is asked to participate)

Now you’re just a few short steps away from being the best bridesmaid in history! Simply help your friend shine on her wedding day and you’re both off to a good start!

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I am the Mistress of Ceremonies at an upcoming wedding, and I am having trouble finding the “proper” etiquette for seating a grandfather (grandmother not living).  The bride want’s the other grandmother ushered in with her husband following; but in the case where there is just a grandfather and no grandmother, how does that work? Does he just follow the first set of grandparents down the aisle, or what? ~ Suzanne C.

The Celebration Advisor: Suzanne, this is (as you know) a rather interesting situation. In Christian ceremonies (different for Judaic), grandparents tend to be seated just before the processional begins. To ease the bride’s concern, here are “proper” wedding etiquette options for seating her grandfather.

**Since the bride’s grandmother will not be ushered by her husband, it is perfectly acceptable to have the single grandfather follow the others down the aisle. This will typically be the most acceptable and best regarded option.

**If the bride’s grandmother and grandfather were to walk together, the bride should ask someone to usher her single grandfather. This could be a female family member not in the wedding party (an aunt, a close cousin, etc.). It should never be a member of the wedding party as this would cause them to have “double duty”. Her grandfather may request to walk alone but the option should be provided just in case.

**Though it is less traditional to have a man walk first, you could seat the single grandfather first if he is the father of the mother of the bride. The matriarchal lineage dictates the order of the wedding processional, especially seating grandparents and stepparents. Even if his wife has passed, her grandfather may be seated before the set of grandparents. Again, this is a less traditional processional and should only be used if the grandfather or the bride is sensitive to having him walk alone.

The last thing you want on your mind when planning a wedding is an overestimate of the number of people attending the wedding. While you’re almost certainly going to have people in attendance who did not RSVP, you can avoid a lot of pitfalls by keeping your wedding guest number in mind. Knowing how many will attend your wedding helps limit the amount of extra burden to your caterer. Fifteen extra plates is three extra tables of people! This also reduces cramped seating at the ceremony and reception. This wedding checklist helps keep everything in line.

Knowing who will be your wedding attendants is just as important. When filling out a seating chart for the wedding reception, it is important to know how many bridesmaids and groomsmen will be placed at the head table with the bride and groom. Also, there are so many responsibilities of wedding attendants that being able to delegate these to trusted friends is something every bride needs. For a stress free wedding day, here is a helpful worksheet/wedding checklist that will keep things running smoothly! (Remember though:  this needs to be done early in the wedding planning process!)

Total Guests: __________

Who’s Inviting How Many:

Bride and Groom:  ___________

Groom’s Parents:   ___________

Bride’s Parents:     ___________

Already Included:  ___________  (Ex:  Officiant and Wife)

My Wedding Attendants: (Indicate Names On Lines)

[] Maid of Honor:  _______________________________________________

[] Bridesmaids:  (# _____ )    ______________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

[] Best Man:   ___________________________________________________

[] Groomsmen:  (# _____ )    ______________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

[] Additional Ushers  (# _____ )   __________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

[] Ring Bearer:   _________________________________________________

[] Flower Girl:    _________________________________________________

[] Readers/Performers:  __________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

[] Other Assistants (Chuppah holders, guestbook attendant, et al):

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Ask The Celebration Advisor: My daughter is getting married.. her father is deceased, adopted father is not coming to the wedding, I am married now, my new husband and I are the one’s paying for the wedding.. there is an issue with who is walking my daughter down the isle or giving her away.. on her biological’s dads side of the family his oldest brother was to give her away and backed out at the last minute.. I have two son’s one of which is a US Marine and is being deployed the youngest son my daughter has issues with because she doesn’t like his girlfriend…My daughter announced to me that she is going to have her soon to be brother in law (grooms brother) give her away of course this is not setting too well with me… what advice would you give on this???  ~ Rosemarie

The Celebration Advisor: Rosemarie, great question! Modern weddings are seeing a lot of similar occurences so wedding etiquette has adjusted to fit the changing family. In the situation you are discussing, it is perfectly acceptable to find alternate options for who will give the bride away. If you are unhappy with your daughter’s choice, perhaps you could discuss options like these with her:

An important female figure in her life — More and more we are seeing mothers, grandmothers and important female figures give the bride away. This is especially common when issues with the fathers arise. Regardless of the issue with the father, it is entirely acceptable according to modern wedding etiquette for the mother or important woman to give the bride away.

An important male figure in her life — He doesn’t have to be a father but he can be a father figure. The mother’s brother, a brother, the father’s brother (if the mother has none and the father is deceased), a very close employer, a best friend and other men are fine. Though her brother-in-law could fit into this category, it is still possible to address other options with your daughter.

Give herself away (walk alone) — You’ve seen it in movies. It may not be ideal but having your daughter walk alone is also an acceptable solution. She may not have someone to lean on but she gets to be the complete center of attention. This is usually reserved for when no better option is available like the ones above or if both parents are deceased. In special circumstances such as yours, having the bride give herself away is not a bad option.

There is one thing that wedding etiquette makes no exceptions for when it comes to giving the bride away. The person who gives the bride away should not be a groomsman or usher. They should fill no other role in the wedding party. It is not proper etiquette (or very fair) to ask this person to do “double duty” during the wedding. Even if they would agree, it’s a definite Don’t.

I hope you and your daughter find an acceptable solution and are able to enjoy the wedding. What a wonderful time in her life! Best of luck and congratulations to you both.

Is An At-Home Wedding for You?

Whether you’re saying ‘I do’ in your living room, or you’re having a backyard wedding, at-home weddings are a challenge. A couple of weeks before our at-home wedding, our neighbor placed a big, honking boatlift on his beach. This wasn’t any old boatlift. It was a rickety, rusty eyesore.

I wouldn’t have cared. Honest. It’s just that my husband-to-be and I spent months getting our lakefront home ready for our backyard wedding. This involved adding flowerbeds, planting a truckload of ever-thirsty impatiens (more on those later), power washing, and even painting.

I envisioned my guests mingling on the spotless deck, cocktails in hand, a soft breeze from Lake Erie cooling their sun-exposed skin. I pictured sailboats in the distance, a beach free of garbage and smelly dead things and an unobstructed view of Fermi II (that’s the nuclear power plant across the lake). I did not forsee a rusty, contraption of a boatlift to be part of the picture.

So, I traipsed on over to my neighbor’s house and told him we were getting married and we were having an at-home wedding. And by the way, can you move your boatlift, because it won’t look nice in my wedding photos? (The nerve of me!)

Our wedding day came and went, and the boatlift didn’t budge. And you know what? It didn’t matter. Not a single bit. I did not harbor bad feelings towards my neighbor, and he did not hold my temporary lapse of reason against me. In fact, the day before our wedding, he offered us the use of a wooden platform that we ended up using it as a stage for the Irish band!

Looking back, I can’t believe that I was so petty. But that’s what planning a wedding can do to you. Even a small wedding. It can make you crazy. Unrecognizable. The evil twin sister you didn’t know you had can suddenly rear her ugly head. Heck, there are even TV shows about this kind of thing.

And having an at-home wedding can intensify the symptoms -especially if you are a perfectionist. There are so many extra details involved with planning an at-home wedding that it can be overwhelming for anyone – but especially those who have a penchant for perfection.

Not only will you be running around like a hen with her head missing trying to cross off the zillion things on your to-do list, you’ll also want to make sure your home is extra-tidy, extra-lovely, extra-special for your extra-important big day. And that will take Effort. (Note the capital ‘E’ for emphasis.)

One of the first things Darin and I did when we decided to have a backyard wedding was head out to a local nursery to load up on flowers, and other bedding plants. In fact, we spent the entire spring and summer landscaping our property, which included planting dozens of flats of impatiens, as well as an assortment of perennials.

Through it all, I discovered a new passion – gardening, and I lost weight without even trying! (Hauling wheelbarrows full of earth day after day will get you in shape pretty fast!)I also discovered that impatiens and a scorching hot summer climate make for a very LARGE water bill.

Even though we were having our at-home wedding outdoors, Darin and I decided not only to landscape the yard – but also fix up our house before the wedding. This included stripping wallpaper, painting, stripping more wallpaper, and did I mention stripping wallpaper? We had plenty of help from family, but Darin and I truly busted our behinds trying to get things in order.

Of course, not all couples planning an at-home wedding spend months fixing up their place. Some people don’t lift a finger on home improvements. If that’s the case, planning can be a whole lot easier.

However, there are still things to keep in mind if you are planning an at-home wedding.

1. Toilets. It’s probably the least romantic thing about your wedding, but it’s probably one of the most important. No matter where you decide to have your wedding, you’re going to need at least one. If you are having your wedding at home, you might decide that guests can use the washrooms in your home. But after giving it some serious thought, you might change your mind. If you are having an outdoor wedding, do you really want your guests traipsing in and out of your home? Can your plumbing system take the wear and tear? Is it possible that your septic system will be overstressed, causing a plumbing nightmare on the biggest day of your life? (Ever see Meet the Parents?) After doing some research, we discovered that port-a-johns definitely aren’t what they used to be. There are new user-friendly models in a variety of colors. Not only are they more pleasing to the eye, they have sinks and flush toilets. Even though they are more expensive, they were definitely worth the splurge.

2. Neighbors. Warn them in advance and give them a heads up closer to the big day. They might even offer up their driveways for parking – or a portable stage! Be extra kind to them as you get close to your wedding day, so that they will put up with potentially high noise levels from your happy wedding guests.

3. Invite your caterer over before the big day so s/he can scope out your kitchen. S/he’ll need to know how much space there is to work in – as well as fridge and stove details.

4. If you are doing the outdoor thing, rent a tent. That is, unless you have a huge tolerance for risk. (Which I do not.)

5. Hire a cleaning person to clean your home thoroughly prior to your wedding – not to mention after your big day. Unless of course, you have a lovely friend or relative who has kindly offered to take on this task.

6. Have bug spray handy. Citronella candles might provide ambiance, but they are useless when it comes to fending off hungry ‘mossies’.

7. If your guests like to over-imbibe, be prepared: some might want to crash at your house. We had a pretty tame crowd at our wedding, but like any good party, there’s a chance this will happen at your wedding. If you’re not equipped for sleepovers, be smart and call a cab.

8. Enjoy the journey. Easy for me to say – I got married eight years ago. But, really, try not to sweat the small stuff – like boatlifts.

9. Give yourself a pat on the back for pulling it off. Planning a wedding at home is no small feat, but it’s one of the most rewarding things you will accomplish. Raise a glass to yourself – (and to your neighbor) for a job well done!

Christina Friedrichsen is the author of Intimate Weddings: Planning a Small Wedding that Fits Your Budget and Style and owner of IntimateWeddings.com, a website dedicated to small weddings.

A special thanks to:

Photography by memoriesINtime, a Milan MO photographer, for the beautiful photo of a wedding ceremony in front of a lake.

Hollyhock Flowers, a Weare NH florist, who create the fabulous flowers decorating the wooden bridge in the second photo.

Petals-a-Florist, an Atlanta GA florist, who designed the sensational pew markers in the third photo.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: What is the proper order of the wedding processional if the bride’s grandparents and groom’s parents are divorced? Does the bride’s paternal grandmother or step grandmother go first? Does the groom’s mother or stepmother go first? ~ Marcie W.

The Celebration Advisor: Marcie, great question! The order of the processional can be tricky, as can be balancing blended families, so it’s very important to make sure that no toes are stepped on. Thankfully, wedding etiquette is constantly evolving to represent the shift from nuclear to blended families. In your situation, the order of the processional isn’t as tricky as you might have thought.

Typically, it is polite to seat immediate family members as they arrive to the ceremony. This includes grandparents. In this way, there are no toes to step on with grandparents. (For seating advice, see Wedding Ceremony:  Seating For Divorced Parents and Grandparents.)

With parents, the order of the processional is pretty similar. The host (usually the mother of the bride) is seated last. This is to represent that all of her guests have been seated first. This is true even if the bride and groom are hosting the wedding. So, the order would be groom’s stepmother (escorted by groom’s father or an usher), groom’s mother (escorted by new spouse or usher), bride’s stepmother (escorted by an usher), and finally the bride’s mother (escorted by her new spouse or an usher). Even brides estranged from their mothers follow this order but alter the seating arrangements.

The bride’s stepmother is seated by an usher because her husband (the bride’s father) is busy preparing to walk the bride down the aisle. He will join his new wife when seated, however, typically in the second pew on the left.

Wedding processionals, seating, and hostess duties tend to favor the bride, the maternal side of her family, and the maternal side of the groom’s family after that. Therefore, the order of the processional (if all family members remain amicable) is as mentioned:  groom’s stepmother, groom’s mother, bride’s stepmother, bride’s mother.

Thanks so much for your question Marcie!

Did you know that the average wedding costs over $23,000? While there is no shame in spending more or less than this, the averaged wedding costs can still add up quickly. Most brides overshoot their wedding budget goals by as much as 15%! To avoid breaking the bank with your wedding planning, here are some budget-friendly tips for brides-to-be!

Wedding Budget Tip 1:  Avoid The Busy Season

The majority of weddings occur between May and October. In fact, October is the new June. Late fall weddings and winter weddings are beautiful and allow brides to reduce costs by catching vendors and wedding supplies when they’re not in great demand!

Also, consider marrying on a Friday or throughout the week. Marrying on a weekday may be less traditional, but it’s a fun and unique way to make your ceremony special (and save money!). Weekend weddings are great but reception halls charge the most for Saturday evening weddings. By marrying on a Friday, you’ll be able to save on the reception costs, enjoy great options for the ceremony location, and spend a three day weekend with your groom!

Wedding Budget Tip 2:  Pass Up The Dessert Tray

Wedding cakes are a huge reception expense. Since this is the most important piece at the reception, no bride wants to cut it out completely. Instead, opt for a smaller wedding cake. Also consider a cupcake wedding cake. This tasty trend allows guests to enjoy a small portion of the same great flavor. The biggest treat for you? Cupcake cakes usually run about $60 compared to hundreds for a traditional wedding cake.

If a smaller version of your dream cake won’t feed everyone, consider having a sheet cake of the same flavor along with your wedding cake. An evening of dancing, drinks and good food doesn’t leave much room for dessert. Consider passing up extra dessert options which quickly add up (on the hips as well)!

Wedding Budget Tip 3:  Go Green With The Wedding Flowers

Opt for more greenery in the reception arrangements. Most guests won’t know which flowers are in or out of season so trim the cost of your wedding flowers by using more greenery. The wedding ceremony flowers are a beautiful addition to the ceremony but remember that this is where guests spend the least amount of time. Most spend more time at the reception so consider putting the budget emphasis on your wedding reception flowers instead.

Wedding Budget Tip 4: Go Green With The Wedding Invitations

In the age of technology and conservation, eco-friendly wedding invitations are a big perk. If you want to send standard wedding invitations, consider replacing the RSVP cards with a note on the invitation that asks guests to RSVP at your wedding website. Wedding websites will save a ton on less important wedding stationery. (Oh, and invitation liners are unnecessary. You’re breaking no etiquette by opting out on these.)

Wedding Budget Tip 5:  Double Up With Wedding Favors

Wedding favors are a must-have for most brides according to traditional wedding etiquette. Wedding favors can be practical and functional though! Consider favors that double as place cards or serve a purpose after the wedding. Personalized bottles of bubbles serves as wedding favors and can be used instead of tossing rice or bird seed after the ceremony.

Wedding Budget Tip 6:  Opt For A Cocktail Reception

This is a good way to glam up your reception without spending lots of money on food and decorations. Waiters carrying trays of hor d’oeuvres is a glamorous look and a frugal choice for brides. Many wedding caterers have their own wait staff, so consider hiring a local caterer with wait staff for a glamorous but easy-on-the-wallet reception.

Wedding Budget Tip 7:  Buy The Music, Not The Band

A band at the wedding is always fun, but consider a single musician or a dj instead. Going this route with wedding reception entertainment will save costs simply because you’re paying for one person instead of multiple people.

Wedding Budget Tip 8:  Share The Menus

Instead of giving each guest a menu at the reception, opt for one or two per table. These can look elegant when placed between beautiful table settings or when stood on either side of the table’s centerpice. This saves paper and printing costs plus adds to the decor of the table.

While at a wedding Saturday, my husband asked me why the bride stands on the left. Traditionally, you will see the bride stand to the groom’s left during most American & Western wedding ceremonies. My reply was “it’s a tradition.”  Then I stated wondering where this wedding tradition came from so I did a little research on the subject.

History points to the “marriage by capture” era as initial reason for this wedding tradition.  Then the middle ages seem to have played at large part in the solidifying the tradition.  In the early age of civilization, people lived in tribes.  Often the men in these tribes would steal women from the other tribes and force them to marry. The stealing tribesmen would fight off the “bride’s” tribesmen with their right hands whilst holding the “bride” with their left.  In the middle ages a knight wore his sword on his left side to be able to draw it with his right hand.  If he needed to draw his sword during the wedding ceremony, the knight would not want to draw his sword toward his bride but away from her.  Hence, the bride had to be to his left.

Biblically speaking we could attribute it simply to the idea that women and men were separated in the early churches.  The woman sat on the left side of the church and the men on the right. Some say that scripture could be interpreted that the bride should be on the left.

It seems that this wedding tradition has been claimed by many with a variety of reasons.  It may have begun the moment men and women sought a commitment to each and continues on today many, many millions of wedding ceremonies later.