Ask The Celebration Advisor: We're getting married in Siesta Key, FL with just family (less than 20 people) and having a wedding celebration 2 weeks later. I'm not sure of the activities that should take place at the celebration. Do we cut the cake (again?), does anyone make a toast, do I throw the bouquet, do we dance at our wedding song? I just want it to be special and want to share with everyone in our lives how happy we are. Please help! Kristi

Celebration Advisor Reply:

In this situation, you can plan it just like a wedding reception following the ceremony. Think of it as a belated wedding reception which can be hosted by the couple, the bride's parents, the groom's parents or other family members or friends.

You can include all components of a wedding reception — music, food, cake, flowers, toasts, etc. It can be as formal or as informal as you would like. You can wear your wedding dress and throw a bouquet or you can wear cocktail dress or evening gown. You can cut the wedding cake or have it cut and served to your guests.

When you have a wedding reception a few weeks after the ceremony, you can change the tone of the reception without breaking any etiquette rules. A formal wedding must have a formal wedding reception. In your case, you would not have to have a formal reception. This gives you the opportunity to throw the kind of party you really want.

The only constraint in this situation revolves around gifts. When the reception is held weeks after the ceremony, gifts are not expected. Should guests bring gifts, you should not open them until after the party and you should immediately send thank-you notes.

Remember to send invitations four to six weeks in advance.  Below is a sample of the wording for a belated wedding reception hosted by the bride's parents:

Mr. and Mrs. Dirk Danenger

request the pleasure of your company

at a reception

in honor of

Mr. and Mrs. Simon Barger

[etc]

Good luck and may your wedding reception be the party of your dreams.

I had a friend ask me this a few weeks ago when she was planning her wedding. Her wedding invitations were gorgeous but the script for each was becoming a chore. Her biggest question when asking for my help was "do I still put mom's name on the invitations?" Her mother has been deceased for a few months.

I wanted to say "no" immediately but I knew that it was a sensitive issue. It's still a pretty fresh wound for her so I didn't want to write it off so fast. Instead, I gave her the options that wedding etiquette provides and asked if those would be acceptable.

First, it is not acceptable to put a deceased person's name on the invitation. Instead, the surviving spouse (if there is one) is noted. This is because the wedding invitations typically list only those who are hosting the wedding. While her mother undoubtedly shared in her joy on the wedding day, she was unable to be with us and therefore could not be listed on the invitations. This did not please my friend so I gave her several other options that did not go against the grain of wedding etiquette.

• Ask guests for a charitable contribution in the deceased's name in lieu of wedding gifts
• Include the deceased in a wedding toast, or let the toastmaster know that this would be nice
• Choose the deceased's favorite wedding cake flavor, place a small note beside the cake explaining this
• Cutting a piece of cake in honor of the deceased and either eating it later or presenting it to the surviving spouse

There are many other options that make it a sweet, honorable thing to pay tribute to the deceased. I felt especially compelled to find some way to pay tribute to my friend's mother because she was such a special lady. She raised a great daughter and we both cared deeply for her mother. We knew that we couldn't include

We wanted to keep a line of distinction between a wedding celebration and a memorial, so we chose to honor my friend's mother with a wedding cake tribute. The second tier of my friend's cake was chocolate fudge with vanilla buttercream icing. My friend and her groom (who was also close to her mother) cut a piece together after eating their own piece. They presented it to my friend's father which was sweet because he had not remarried. Had he, we may have considered something else.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I have a few wedding guests that I would like to invite to the ceremony but not to the reception. We have a 250 person guest list but our reception hall only holds 175. Is it ok to invite some to the ceremony but not the reception? ~ Ella Marie in San Jose CA

The Celebration Advisor: Honestly, it's not a good idea. You won't get scolded by the wedding etiquette gods, but you may burn a few bridges with friends. To prevent any hurt feelings, wedding etiquette dictates that you should avoid this if at all possible. One solution is to find a bigger reception hall in San Jose or near there. Another solution is to narrow the guest list to the 175 most essential people. Since this will definitely hurt feelings, my best advice is to opt for a large reception hall. Otherwise, you'll have a lot of offended people to deal with after the honeymoon and who wants that?

Ask The Celebration Advisor: My fiance and I are very close, but I'm as big a fan of his sisters. I feel like I probably should include them in my wedding party but I don't really want to. What are the rules on this? ~ Mallory B in Largo FL

The Celebration Advisor: Nope, you sure don't. BUT–and it's a pretty big But–it's expected in many families. Wedding etiquette is pretty solid about this. It's that pesky human element that makes discussing this with your groom so important.

If your groom has only one or two sisters, it may be a negative reflection on you to not include them. So before you get those "why can't she spare just one spot for her new sister" glares, consider whether hurt feelings will affect your new in-laws before making your decision. Wedding etiquette is on your side, but these will be your in-laws forever.

Another idea that may spare you a lot of problems is to include his siblings in other roles. For instance, sisters of a young age can be flower girls, guest book attendants, candle lighters and other roles. These are significant enough for the girls to feel special but you will not have to sacrifice bridesmaids spots.

If his sisters are older, it gets a bit more complicated. You can still offer to have them serve as wedding attendants but not necessarily members of the immediate wedding party.

The most important thing is to discuss this with your groom. If he seems sympathetic, use that to your advantage by placing your new sisters in a lesser role. If he seems offended or stresses that they may be, you may have to compromise on this and use them in your wedding party. He knows his family the best and wants to make you happy. With both of those things weighing on his decision, it should be a very good one when he finally addresses the issue.

Oh, and remember that this particular wedding etiquette issue works both ways. The same should be considered if the groom is asked to include his fiancee's siblings in the wedding party.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: My best friends sister is getting married next weekend and we have come down to the question of what is the proper etiquette on how are father should give her away! Her mother passed away a year ago so it would not be formal to say her mother and I since she is no longer living. But they would like to somehow mention her mom in giving her away. Any suggestions???? ~ Teresa G

The Celebration Advisor: Giving the bride away is an honor usually reserved for the father, but this too has received many amendments as modern brides shift toward personalized weddings and respecting the roles of blended families. For your friend's wedding, it is perfectly acceptable for her father to say "her mother and I do" if the bride wishes. As this is merely personalizing the wedding and honoring a loved one, your friend is not breaking any strict etiquette rules by using "her mother and I do".

There are also other ways that couples are choosing to honor deceased loved ones. Your friend may wish to include something like this as well.

• Set up a memorial table for the deceased loved one that includes a photo and a small card with a sweet poem or a memento
• Have a moment of silence during the ceremony  (usually at the beginning of the ceremony before/directly after the bride is presented)
• Light a candle in the deceased's honor
• Wear something that once belonged to or honors the deceased (such as a necklace, the mother's veil, etc.)
• Have the father-of-the bride present a flower to the couple as he places the bride's hand in the grooms (the flower represents the loved one)

There are also ways to honor a loved one during the wedding reception:

• Ask guests for a charitable contribution in the deceased's name in lieu of wedding gifts
• Include the deceased in a wedding toast, or let the toastmaster know that this would be nice
• Choose the deceased's favorite wedding cake flavor, place a small note beside the cake explaining this
• Cutting a piece of cake in honor of the deceased and either eating it later or presenting it to the surviving spouse

These are all very special and significant ways to honor someone who has passed before the time of the wedding ceremony. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a bride or groom wanting to honor their loved one. Including a small token of affection such as the ones above will help make the day feel "complete" for all who wish the deceased could've been present on the special day.

For more ideas on how to honor loved ones at your wedding, you may be interested in these brief articles:

Eight Unique Ways To Personalize Your Wedding
Honoring Others On Your Wedding Day

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I have been best friends with my friend Gemma since we were in elementary school. She's really good friends with my fiancee also, but she already has a maid of honor. Is it ok if my best man is a woman? ~ Jeron in Montpelier

The Celebration Advisor: We see it in movies all of the time. Guys and girls are best friends and forsake same-gender friendships. These are usually the romantic comedies that end up with those friends getting together in the end. They're fun to watch and oddly enough are beginning to skew the way traditional wedding etiquette affects the "best man" honor.

Yes, it's acceptable but there are obviously many things to consider before giving this honor to your best friend. First, is your best gal pal willing to take up the duties of the best man? She won't be wearing a tuxedo so she won't be at the fittings and likely will not be dealing with them. Therefore, responsibilities like these will fall to you or another groomsmen. If you can overlook this, go for it.

Also, consider your fiance's feelings. What does she think? Is she ok with it? Would she rather have her as a bridesmaid? Because of those crazy romantic movies, this is something that requires serious conversation before action is taken. If your fiancee feels that it is a nice gesture, you've found an incredible woman and are lucky to have two great women in your life!

Do you have a brother or best guy friend who will feel slighted? If the answer is no, you are not in the wrong to make a woman your best man. If you do have males who would better fit the role, give this consideration before making your decision.

The simplest answer is that yes you can make a woman your best man but there are far too many things to consider first for it to be an easy choice to make.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I am divorced and my ex husband wants our children to be in his daughter's wedding. The issue is this: He wants the kids to wear certain outfits to the wedding and he feels like I should have to pay for them.  I feel he should since it is his daughter's wedding. What is wedding etiquette in this situation? Andrea

Celebration Advisor Reply:

Normal etiquette dictates that parents of children included in the wedding party are responsible for the clothing and transportation.  However, your case turns a black issue into a gray one.  A common sense approach would say – since he is their parent and it is his daughter's wedding, your ex-husband should pay for the outfits.

However, he may want more than a common sense resolution to this dilemma. I suggest viewing this case as you would other child compensation issues when it comes to special events that involve only one parent.  For example, who would pay for the snorkeling gear for a beach vacation the children take with you.  On the flip side, who would pay for the ski outfits for a skiing vacation the children take with him.  This situation should be approached the same way and will satisfy proper etiquette rules at the same time.

Hopefully, you and your ex-husband will be able to come to fair and equitable terms.

This wedding etiquette tip was brought to you by weddingandpartynetwork.com, you number 1 source for wedding planning.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I'm planning the rehearsal dinner with my fiancee and we are not sure who should be invited. We need to give the caterer and banquet hall a head count but can't because we don't know who to invite. Who do we invite?

The Celebration Advisor: Unfortunately for your caterer, there is no magic number of guests at the rehearsal dinner. Fortunately, there are a few hard and fast wedding etiquette rules that will help you narrow that number down for your vendors. First, your wedding party and their dates/families are definitely invited to the rehearsal dinner. This includes the bridesmaids, groomsmen, maid of honor, best man and their respective dates. Unless otherwise specified, families are usually accepted. Most of the time this is an adult-only gathering but that preference is completely yours.

Out of town guests are often invited to the rehearsal dinner also. This gives them a chance to visit with the bride and groom before the ceremony. Since there is no time after the wedding and little time on the day of, this is a great chance to keep out of town guests from feeling slighted.

Aside from the wedding party and guests, most couples want their parents and grandparents there. Immediate family is a definite if they are available to attend.

Rehearsal dinners can be anywhere from 5-50 people. Just keep in mind that, according to traditional wedding etiquette, the people invited to the wedding rehearsal will always include:

• Parents, grandparents and other immediate family
• Out of town guests (if applicable)
• The wedding party (bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc,)

Have a great time and don't forget to come back to Wedding And Party Network to share your engagement party photos with us!

I get this question a lot. Many brides want to know if they can ask for money or set up a money tree in lieu of other wedding gifts. Etiquette is pretty clear cut in this issue. It is traditionally very improper to ask for money as a wedding gift. The keyword here is traditionally. While It is not against wedding etiquette for close friends and family to contribute to the cost of the wedding, asking for money instead of a traditional wedding gift is a big No-No.

Keep in mind that modern wedding etiquette is constantly changing to reflect the needs of a new and diverse group of Echo Boomer Brides. Many couples are opting for store certificates, gift cards or cash instead of wedding presents. This may not set well with older guests, but younger wedding guests will be ok with asking for cash wedding gifts.

I've attended very few weddings where money trees were used. However, these are not entirely inappropriate. Money trees are usually used where there is no registry. Also, guests are warned ahead of time that a money tree will be presented at the reception instead of other wedding gifts. In this way, no guests are inconvenienced by forgetting to bring cash. Guests who bring gifts will not feel foolish nor will guests who fail to bring a gift.

Quite honestly, issues like this happen a lot when money trees are used. Guests who do not bring a wedding gift and provide cash instead feel like a heel when someone else comes in with a regular gift. Guests who bring in a gift feel a little underappreciated because they could've just as easily brought a $20 instead of feeling silly carrying in a package when no one else brought one.

While a money tree is not inappropriate for smaller weddings without wedding registries, the bride and groom must make sure that all guests are aware of this preference. As far as asking for money goes, view this modern wedding etiquette post to find out how to ask for cash wedding gifts.

Some couples announce that they would rather have a charitable donation made in lieu of gifts. Since this is not asking for money but rather asking that money go to a cause, this is a generally accepted practice.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: How could I eloquently ask for cash gifts and/or store certificatest instead of presents at the wedding? ~ Casey

The Celebration Advisor: Typically, giving cash wedding gifts is a big no-no according to traditional wedding etiquette. However, modern weddings are seeing a huge spike in the request for cash gifts or gift cards instead of presents. Don't stress about cash wedding gift etiquette though! When you're in a pinch and need to find out how to go about asking for cash instead, simply remember these things.

* You will want to make this request where you would have announced your registry. It is also a traditional duty of the maid of honor and best man to spread this information around. Make sure those two parties are aware of your wedding gift suggestion as well.

* You can politely request money without asking for cash outright which would likely offend older guests. Instead, list things like these where you would normally announce your registry:

• "Bride and groom respectfully request cash gifts in lieu of wedding presents."
• "Bride and groom respectfully request cash gifts or gift cards to *your favorite 'home' store* in lieu of wedding presents."

You can also substitute your name and your groom's name for "bride and groom" as this will personalize it a bit. Keep in mind though that personalization is great for younger guests but maintaining a more traditional tone will help soften any offense that older guests may have.

* You can announce that you will be having a cash money tree at your wedding/wedding reception instead of wedding gifts. I have been to many weddings that prefer this option because it's fast and easy. Still, guests should be warned in advance.

I hope your wedding goes as smoothly as announcing your cash wedding gift preference. Best of luck!