Courting Before Marriage

Before you can have a wedding you have to have a courtship right? The Dutch certainly had a unique way to court their intended. It is called bundling or in Dutch queesten (kweesten).

This form of wooing is where a young lady would leave her window or door open, so that her intended lover could sit or lie on the outside covers of her bed.  At the same time,  she would lie in bed clothed in her heavy nightwear and covered heavily in blankets. The idea was for the two to converse all night and gain a bit of intimacy from each other.

This custom may have also been used in Welsh communities. However it went a bit further with the young lady dressed only in her petticoat with a knot tied at the bottom. This almost always lead to wedlock.

This custom continued on in the USA till the 1930’s where it fell out of style among those who had brought it over from the Netherlands. The Pennsylvania Dutch would allow their children (of age) to share a bed before marriage. Following the old custom both would be heavily dressed and also covered in heavy blankets. I suspect this happened more in the fall and winter then the summer. Sometimes a thick board would be placed between the two. Again the idea is for the young couple to share the night together talking and gain intimate knowledge about one another before marriage. It seems to have fall out of grace as it may have lead to actual intimacy.

Even though this custom is no longer practiced in it original form, we still do this courtship ritual our own way. Many of us spend a night or two with our intended talking all night long getting to know each other before our marriages. Sometimes we travel to a vacation spot as part of our courtship ritual.  The important concept of this wedding tradition is getting to know each other.

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While it’s customary for guests to bring gifts to the wedding, it seems by the time the wedding takes place, the bride and groom have received most of the gifts from their registry. What many couples just starting out need, especially in this economy, is money. There is an old tradition—at least in the South where I’m from—of giving the bride and groom a "money tree" at their wedding reception.

Now, this can be accomplished in many ways, but the basic idea is to have a table specifically set aside at the reception with a "tree" on it—usually a large branch—that is in the center of the table. Paper clips and small envelopes are provided so guests can clip their bills or envelopes to the tree. By the end of the reception, the tree is filled with monetary gifts to help the couple as they begin their life together.

The money tree can be a decorative focal point at the reception. The branch can be placed in a large container, weighted down with rocks and covered with moss. The branch could be sprayed white or silver, and you could even put mini white lights on it for a beautiful effect. If you’re having a wedding near the holidays, a miniature Christmas tree would work great.

I think this is an especially helpful idea if the couple has just purchased their first home. Gifts from the money tree could actually pay their first month’s mortgage.

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Throughout history food has been used to symbolize many different things in different cultures. In Polish tradition you have the Bread and Salt blessing. In Russian weddings the use of bread helped determine who the head of the family would be. Two different cultures but each use bread in their wedding tradition.

Polish Wedding Tradition- Bread and Salt Blessing

The Polish wedding tradition of The Bread and Salt Blessing is a sweet tradition that can be incorporated into today's modern weddings. At the wedding reception the bride and groom are met by both sets of parents. The parents have a loaf of bread sprinkled with salt and a goblet of wine. The parents then say "According to our Old Polish tradition, we greet you with bread and salt so that your home might always enjoy abundance."

The bread is given in hopes that the bride and groom will never go hungry or be in need. The salt conveys that time may be difficult but they must learn to cope with the struggles in their life and marriage. The wine, as with the bread, give hope that the couple never goes thirsty and their lives be filled with joy and happiness.

The bride and groom each take a piece of the bread and a drink of the wine and then break the plate and the glass by throwing them to the ground. The parents then give a kiss to the couple and the reception begins.

Russian Bread Tradition

The Russians have a unique way to determine who the head of the household is. During the wedding ceremony or at the reception, the bride and groom are given a loaf of karavay (a small round loaf of bread). Someone holds the bread for them as they each take a bite from the loaf. Whomever takes the bigger bite is the considered the head of the family.

As with the Polish tradition the bread is also a symbol for health, long life and wealth. And after the bites are taken, the bride and groom take a drink as well and then break the glasses from which they drank.

Even though each culture has different ways to use bread in their ceremonies, the bread still has the same symbolization. That symbolization is what makes this these traditions so great. The Polish and Russians probably got the ideas and varied the ways the breads are used from the Romans. This shows us that the tradition, even if changed slightly, goes on forever, passed down from generation to generation.

How lovely that we can enjoy all the cultural traditions and differences and incorporate them into our modern days weddings.

In most all weddings, at the end of the ceremony the bride and groom exchange a kiss. The wedding kiss is one of the longest wedding traditions to still be in use today. As with most traditions, they all stem from either a religious nature or more of a business-like nature. Kissing at the end of the wedding ceremony garners history from both the religious aspect, as well as, contractual one.

Roman history shows that a couple was betrothed if they kissed passionately in front of a large group including family. In old world Christian culture, they viewed a wedding kiss as a symbol of the scripture – two souls becoming one flesh. However we can note that in Roman society, a kiss was used, as we do today, as a gesture of a commitment; much like we use a handshake at the end of a business deal. In fact during Roman times, a kiss given to another party was used to signify a legal contract. Yes, even for just a everyday business deal a kiss sealed the deal. So, a groom and a bride would seal the deal (marriage contract) with a kiss. Romans had three types of kisses; a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the lips and then a deeper more passionate kiss. I believe the latter was the wedding kiss.

Going back to the religious side, some early Christian’s believed clinking glass at the wedding or wedding reception would scare off the devil. After this was done, the couple would exchange a kiss to show joy and happiness.  Whether was done for religious reasons, contractual, reason the wedding day kiss is now a tradition that is sweet and endearing.

Yesterday, I received a lovely email from Thu Vu owner of My Little Work Shop.  She and Brynn were having a conversation on Facebook about Wedding and Party Network and how we discuss wedding traditions among other things on the Celebration Advisor.  The conversation turned to multi-cultural weddings of which Thu Vu knows quite a bit about, since she is planning one herself.  Here is what she shared with us about Vietnamese/Chinese Wedding Traditions.

I am here to talk about the Vietnamese and Chinese wedding tradition. I am pretty sure that in America and in Canada the wedding would have a ceremony and reception. Vietnamese/Chinese tradition is different from the American's and Canadian's ceremony, which takes place at the church or somewhere else but with a priest, friends and families when you exchange your vows.

In the Vietnamese/Chinese tradition is that we have the groom's side of the family members and friends to carry lacquered, round boxes; betrothal presents to the bride's house. Only the males on his side would stand behind/beside one another (depends on what you're carrying)to carry the presents to the bride's house. You have to be unmarried and the guys that the groom may pick could be his own brothers, ushers, best man etc…

These presents are to be in your choice of betel leaves, areca nuts, wines, jewelries, fruits, cake tea, tea set, whole pig etc…you are to carry about 10-12 of these presents to her house. You may have double of the same items if you wish. The gifts are to be covered by red cloths.

The bride's side of the family members and friends are suppose to be waiting by the door. Their jobs are to collect the presents. The groom then would ask for the bride's hand in marriage.

The groom then are to place the jewelries on her. Such as placing the earrings in her ear and the ring on her finger. The parents/gram parents are to be seated on chairs, you are to take the tea while you are in front of them on your knees. You basically bow and give them tea to have a sip.

This tea giving is a very respectful thing to do when joining two families in one. I thank you for taking the time to read this. I will soon put some pictures up of my engagement. I am doing the presents giving and not the tea ceremony. The tea ceremony is used at the wedding. I attached some pictures for you, so enjoy!

What a beautiful tradition, both in color and in sentiment.  Thank you for sharing such a wonderful wedding tradition with us. The photos are amazing.

I know, you read the title and said, cake pulls? I thought southerners were in to truck pulls…Never heard of a cake pull, and what does it have to do with wedding traditions?  A cake pull actually comes to us from our Victorian ancestors and as it turns out that Southerners are the ones who usually carry on this tradition.

What Is A Cake PULL

A cake pull is where the wedding cake has silk ribbons with charms slipped under the last layer.  These charms are made of sterling silver. Traditionally the charms are a ring, a heart, a star, hot air balloon, and anchor, to name a few. These charms have symbolic meaning.  The charms are placed under the last layers and are made to easily pull out by the brides maids as the tradition goes.  If a bride’s maid pulled out the ring, this symbolizes a wedding in the future. A star symbolizes wishes come true while a heart means a new love.

Sad but true a friend of a friend decided she was going to do the cake pull tradition at her wedding.  Except she baked the cake pulls into her cake. (Not a good idea, it ruins the cake when you pull the charms out.) If you decided to do this tradition, please make sure you have the bakery put the charms under the last layer and I also recommend that they use some parchment paper between the cake and the cake pulls, this makes it easier to pull them out.

Modern Day Cake Pulls

I suggest using the cake pull tradition but not with the wedding cake.  Imagine the horror of someone pulling the cake pull a bit to roughly and your whole wedding cake falling to the floor.  My suggestion is to do it as a separate cake for the bridesmaids, maybe at the bridal shower, or as a novel way to give the bridesmaids their bridesmaid’s gifts.  You can personalize them by choosing charms that means something to you and your bridesmaids.

I also like the idea that the Bride's Mother and the Groom's Mother have their own Mother's cake and this is where the cake pulls are.  This idea works well for small weddings. The mothers buy the charms and have the cake made. As the guests come into the reception hall each guest is asked to do a cake pull.  Each guest then gives the bride the charms for her to put on a bracelet that the fathers have bought and given to the bride.

Don't you agree that the tradition of cake pulls needs to make a come back, of course with a modern twist?

Captive Honeymoon!

This past weekend I attended a lovely morning wedding.  The ceremony time was chosen, not because morning light is so beautiful, but so the couple could catch an early flight to their honeymoon destination.  This made me wonder, where did the honeymoon tradition start?

Weddings have taken place in some form or another since the beginning of history. However, I wondered if early honeymoons were like they are now.  I doubt that past generations could afford to travel as we do now for our honeymoons.  So I began my own journey to find the answer to "where did the honeymoon tradition come from?"

In my quest, I found it had to do with the “capture of the bride" era. This era is known as marriage by capture and in some third world countries still takes place.  Historically "marriage by capture" is roughly attributed to the 15th century and considered the beginning of the honeymoon concept.  However, honeymoons may have occurred much early.

The honeymoon took place after the man captured or took his "bride". The "groom" would steal the "bride" away from her family and all others for a "moon's time" which is roughly 30 days.  Hopefully during the thirty days, the bride would conceive a child.  Forcing her family to “consent” to a marriage.

Why all the drama? For one, the groom was usually from another tribe and not likely to be given consented to marry the women.  Kidnapping was a way to force the issue and the thirty days gave the "groom" time to persuade the family.

Why Honeymoon?

During the 30 days of "marriage by capture", the groom would give his captured "bride" a drink of mead know as metheglin.  Mead is a fermented drink of herbs and honey. This drink made from honey and given to the bride by her groom during a "moons time" gives us the word of honeymoon.

Down through the ages as we have moved from a tribal to a civil society , the honeymoon tradition has given way to a more romantic sentiment.  Now the groom and bride plan a trip away from family and friends. Their honeymoon destination allows them to enjoy their wedded bliss.

While at a wedding Saturday, my husband asked me why the bride stands on the left. Traditionally, you will see the bride stand to the groom's left during most American & Western wedding ceremonies. My reply was "it's a tradition."  Then I stated wondering where this wedding tradition came from so I did a little research on the subject.

History points to the "marriage by capture" era as initial reason for this wedding tradition.  Then the middle ages seem to have played at large part in the solidifying the tradition.  In the early age of civilization, people lived in tribes.  Often the men in these tribes would steal women from the other tribes and force them to marry. The stealing tribesmen would fight off the "bride's" tribesmen with their right hands whilst holding the "bride" with their left.  In the middle ages a knight wore his sword on his left side to be able to draw it with his right hand.  If he needed to draw his sword during the wedding ceremony, the knight would not want to draw his sword toward his bride but away from her.  Hence, the bride had to be to his left.

Biblically speaking we could attribute it simply to the idea that women and men were separated in the early churches.  The woman sat on the left side of the church and the men on the right. Some say that scripture could be interpreted that the bride should be on the left.

It seems that this wedding tradition has been claimed by many with a variety of reasons.  It may have begun the moment men and women sought a commitment to each and continues on today many, many millions of wedding ceremonies later.

I get tons of questions asking me who pays for what regarding the wedding. Does the bride pay for this? Can I pay for that? Can I ask someone to pay for this? Is it ok that the bride's family isn't paying for the wedding? Though a small novella would answer all of these questions, here is a simple checklist to let you know the traditional roles in paying for the wedding. Thank you, Emily Post.

Who Pays For What? — Traditional Expenses of The Bride or Bride's Family

• The wedding consultant (wedding planner or wedding coordinator)
• Wedding invitations, enclosure cards, announcements (all wedding stationery)
• Wedding flowers which includes the bridesmaids bouquets, wedding bouquets, and any floral decorations for the ceremony and reception.
• Wedding photographer and photographs
• Wedding videographer and video
• Any music used during the ceremony and reception
• The entire reception (yup, this is the bride's responsibility in full)
• Bridesmaids gifts and attendants gifts
• The groom's wedding ring
• Carpet for the aisle, rental of awnings, etc.
• Cost of soloists and other wedding ceremony musicians/entertainment
• A traffic officer if necessary
• The bridal party's transportation to the reception
• Transportation and lodging for officiant if invited by the bride's family
• Any accommodations (lodging, fees) for the bridesmaids and attendants
• Sexton fees

Who Pays For What? — Wedding Expenses of The Groom or Groom's Family

• The marriage license
• Grooms gift to his bride
• Gifts for groomsmen, ushers, etc.
• Formal wear accessories for groomsmen if not part of the clothing rental package
• In some regions, the bridal bouquet
• The bride's going-away corsage
• Boutonnieres for the groomsmen, ushers, etc.
• Officiant's fee or donation (this is always a groom's fee and is different than accommodations)
• Transportation for groom and best man to and from the ceremony
• The honeymoon package and expenses(yup, bride gets the reception, groom gets the honeymoon)
• The rehearsal dinner
• Accommodations for groomsmen, ushers, etc.
• Bachelor dinner if one is being held
• Transportation and lodging for groom's immediate family
• Corsages for immediate members of both families unless bride includes these in her wedding flowers package
• The bride's engagement ring and wedding ring

Who Pays For What? — Wedding Expenses of the Bridesmaids or Honor Attendants

• Apparel and all accessories
• Transportation to and from the city where the wedding is being held
• Contribution to a group gift from the bridesmaids to the bride if being given
• An individual gift to the couple if given (being in the wedding may be considered one)
• A shower or luncheon for the bride if held

Who Pays For What? — Traditional Expenses of the Best Man or Ushers

• Individual wedding attire rental
• Transportation to and from the city where the wedding is being held
• Contribution to a group gift from the groomsmen to the groom
• An individual gift to the couple if given
• A bachelor dinner or luncheon if held

Who Pays For What? — Traditional Expenses of Out Of Town Guests

• Transportation to and from the wedding
• Lodging expenses
• Wedding gift

This may seem like a lot to absorb at one time. Don't worry about it! Print this list off and keep it for later. I hope this is helpful when you're creating the budget for your wedding. It's always nice to know who pays for what!

Most brides today carry flowers because they are beautiful and it gives the nervous bride something to do with her hands. However, the carrying of flowers goes back as far as the beginning of marriage.  Rooted in superstition, it was thought bridal bouquets consisting of odoriferous herbs and garlands worn or carried would ward off demons and evil spirits. Variations of this superstition are found in many cultures throughout the world.

In India the bride and groom are sprinkled with flower petals to ward of evil. It is said that a Roman bride carried herbs such as rosemary in her veil to ward off evil spirits. In fact, the modern tradition of carrying flowers and herbs in the bridal bouquet stems from this Roman practice. With many cultures sharing their wedding traditions over the centuries, the primitive superstition of smelly garlands went by the wayside. Brides began to use flowers as a way to symbolize emotion, virtue of love and marriage transforming the tradition.

Flowers such as roses became symbols of love for western weddings. Herbs and flowers were mixed together as a symbolic gesture. Over the years, wedding traditions have been manipulated blending old tradition with contemporary ideals. Old Greek wedding traditions used ivy and ribbons; weaving them into crowns for the bride and groom to symbolize unity. This tradition of greenery and ribbons has been incorporated in many modern wedding bouquets. In fact, it is commonplace to see bridal bouquets with greenery and ribbons intertwined in the flowers.

Although wedding flowers are a long standing tradition, the use flowers has become more of a tradition of elegance than one of warding off demons. Thankfully the tradition changed and flowers are now used to decorate the wedding. The bride can now carry a bouquet for beauty and not as protection from evil spirits.