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Dutch Treat Birthday Dinner Invitation

Dear Celebration Advisor: I am wanting to give my sister, who is fighting cancer, a surprise birthday dinner party. My husband and I cannot afford to pay for all the guests. On the invitation how would you word it so the guests know that the cost is $15.00 per person to attend. It is a rather awkward thing to ask so I do want to do it in a non-offensive way. Can you help me??? Thanks for your help! Anita

Reply:

This can be a tricky situation. According to Emily Post, you can't ask guest to essentially pay to attend. It is suggested that you cut the guests list down or find a less expensive venue. However, I don't necessarily agree that a party can't be "dutch treat".

This is how I usually handle those "dutch treat" parties. I don't send formal invitations. Instead I do my invites by phone or even email. When I send the invitation by email it goes something like this:

Sally's birthday is Friday May 8th. I am taking her to Godsey's restaurant for dinner at 7pm. I thought it would be a nice surprise if some of her friends were there to surprise her. I thought you might want to join us. The restaurant is going to reserve an area for our "dutch-treat" get-together. The entrees run anywhere from $15.00-$30.00. Please let me know if you will be joining us.

The most important thing is to keep the tone informal and not to declare host status. If you must send a printed invitation, keep in mind it must still reflect an informal party tone. My suggest is to word the invitation something like this:

The Friends Of Sally Miller
will gather on Saturday May, 10th
at 7pm at Godsey's Restaurant
to celebrate her birthday.

This gathering is a surprise!
To RSVP call
Jane Baker at 870-555-5555

This party invitation wording keeps the occasion tone informal. Notice the status of host is not declared in this invitation. When a party is "Dutch treat", it does not have a host per say. If you feel the need to include the term "dutch treat" on invitation do it at the bottom of the invitation like this

This gathering will be "Dutch Treat"
call Jane For restaurant information

I hope this information will help you plan a wonderful party for your sister. Please keep me posted.

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Helpful Ways To Avoid An Office Bridal Shower

Ask The Celebration Advisor: Help. I am not a traditional bride. I am 50 years old and getting married for the first time. Something I just never dreamed would happen. I'm very happy and excited. I have only lived and worked in Charleston for 2 years. We are have a very small & private reception at a private home on the water. We both agreed very early on to not include our co-works as both of us have only worked with them for a very short time.

I work in an office of 30 women. This has caused much discussion among my staff. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I also do not want an office bridal shower. The best gift my office staff can give is to just be happy for me. I am well educated, a very private person and very professional when it comes to my position. I do not want to be the center of attention and I don't mix my personal life with business. I don't know how to tell my office staff this. Any suggestions.

Reply:
There is a fine line between not mixing personal business and being gracious to those whom you work with who want to honor your upcoming nuptials. Since showers are hosted by someone who wants to honor the bride, you can't very well forbid an office shower. However, there are ways in which you can come to a compromise that will be acceptable to everyone.

First, you will need the help of someone in your office. If you know who is pushing the office shower or who is in charge of the shower, go to them and explain what you have told me – although you appreciate their thoughtfulness, you don't like being the center of attention and the only present you need is their happiness for you. Then suggest a different kind of celebration. Perhaps a cake and special pastries during coffee hour where you visit with your staff but without a gift exchange. Or, an office lunch where everyone can visit. If your work schedule doesn't permit these types of celebrations, try an after-hours celebration like an hors d'oeuvre get-together without presents. You could even have drinks with your staff after-hours. All of these suggestions will allow you to keep the mixing of personal and professional to a minimum.

Although you don't want a shower, your staff cares enough to want to throw you one. Whatever you decide, it is important to respect their feelings. Hopefully they will do the same for you.

Congratulations and Good Luck.

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Etiquette Matters: Paying For Part of The Wedding

Ask the bride before giving a major gift such as wedding flowers, a wedding photographer, et al.

The matter of etiquette with which I'm concerned today is simple. It may seem like a "duh" kind of thing, but I found out the hard way that this is not always the case.

I recently attended a wedding as one of two photographers. Yes, there were two wedding photographers running around trying to get the best shots of the wedding. The bad thing was that we were not aware that we would be teaming up until we arrived. The other photographer was a surprise gift given to the bride the morning of her wedding!

Now while this won't typically happen for a larger wedding, some smaller ceremonies may run into this problem. The way to avoid a major headache like this (trust me on this one), is to ask the bride and groom if this type of gift would be appropriate. This should be done very early when planning a wedding as the bride will need to book services (florist, caterer, photographer, etc) well in advance.

This courtesy also avoids another source of conflict. Perhaps the bride's family is paying for the wedding. This is very traditional. For a family that encourages traditional values, the size of your gesture may come across as "stepping on toes." Then again, the couple may be paying for the wedding and welcome the relief. Therefore, it is necessary and quite advisable to discuss these types of wedding gifts with the bride and groom well in advance of the big day.

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Ask The Expert: I'm Getting Married. How Do I Tell My Family?

Ask The Expert: I recently became engaged to a wonderful guy that I've been dating for a couple years. My family knows him well, and his knows me. They've kind of suspected for a while but aren't really sure. What is the proper way to go about announcing our engagement and who do I tell first?  ~ Sarah

Brynn @ Wedding and Party Network says: What a great question, Sarah! First of all, congratulations are in order so congratulations on your engagement. How cool! Now to the meat and potatoes.

Announcing your engagement to your family is a bit easier than writing up an engagement announcement for your local paper but can often be just as tedious. Who should be told first is asked a lot because no one wants to step on toes. In my family, we all know to tell just one person and it'll eventually get around to the rest of the family. Assuming yours isn't this way, let's talk about what's traditional. Continue reading "Ask The Expert: I'm Getting Married. How Do I Tell My Family?" »

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Etiquette Issue: Including Wedding Registry Info on Bridal Luncheon Invitation

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I am giving a bridal luncheon/shower.  The invitation only says bridal luncheon.  On the enclosure about the bridal registry, can I say "You may choose your shower gift from the bridal registry" and list the bridal registry or just have the bridal registries listed.  I think most people know this is also a shower, but I want to make sure and I want to do it properly.  Thanks! Anne

The Celebration Advisor:

Anne,

A bridal luncheon when held in conjunction with a shower must follow the same etiquette as a bridal shower.  Etiquette dictates that registry information should be included with the invitation.  However, the wedding registry information must NOT be on the invitation itself.  It must be on a separate note and Continue reading "Etiquette Issue: Including Wedding Registry Info on Bridal Luncheon Invitation" »

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What Is The Appropriate Attire For Wedding Ushers?

Ask The Celebration Advisor: Do our ushers need to wear tuxedos? What about the groom's father? Also, should the ushers have boutonnieres?  Sue

The Celebration Advisor: Traditionally ushers were considered the grooms attendants and required to dress in the same formality as the groom.  So if the groom wore a tuxedo, the groomsmen and usher also wore a tuxedo.  Contemporary wedding etiquette has relaxed this tradition for ushers.  It is now acceptable for ushers to Continue reading "What Is The Appropriate Attire For Wedding Ushers?" »

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What is the customary wedding officiant fee?

Ask The Wedding Guide: How much will a wedding officiant cost?

Reply: To answer the question of how much or what is a proper officiant fee, we must first know what is a wedding officiant. A wedding officiant is the person who is officially and legally able to preside over a marriage ceremony.  This person may be a religious officiant, such as a minister, priest, rabbi, chaplain or a civil officiant (Justice of the Peace or Judge, for example).  States and Continue reading "What is the customary wedding officiant fee?" »

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Wedding Showers Etiquette For Traveling Bride

Ask The Wedding Guide: I live in Florida but my family and wedding shower will be in New York. Because it will be so difficult to fly with our gifts I dont' know how to let my guests know what to give. I have thought about having a gift card shower? Is that common? How do you politely tell your guests in the invitation? Or do you have any other solutions?

Thanks for your help! Anna

Reply:
Anna,

You do have quite the dilemma but breaking a wedding etiquette rule is not a good idea. Wish lists or gift buying instructions are not by etiquette standards permitted on the invitations. Traditional Continue reading "Wedding Showers Etiquette For Traveling Bride" »

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Ask The Expert: What Gifts Can I Send For Kwanzaa?

Ask The Expert: I have been invited to attend a Kwanzaa celebration at a friend's house.  What do I need to know a Kwanzaa and what kind of hostess gift etiquette applies?

Wedding and Party Network: That's a great question! Many people want to help friends and loved ones enjoy Kwanzaa though they themselves have not celebrated the holiday. Enjoying Kwanzaa for the first time is also a significant occasion that merits special attention. Even those who have celebrated Kwanzaa for years can benefit from understanding the holiday's gift giving etiquette.

First, let's start with some background information on Kwanzaa. The holiday was founded in Continue reading "Ask The Expert: What Gifts Can I Send For Kwanzaa?" »

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