Ask The Celebration Advisor: My best friends sister is getting married next weekend and we have come down to the question of what is the proper etiquette on how are father should give her away! Her mother passed away a year ago so it would not be formal to say her mother and I since she is no longer living. But they would like to somehow mention her mom in giving her away. Any suggestions???? ~ Teresa G

The Celebration Advisor: Giving the bride away is an honor usually reserved for the father, but this too has received many amendments as modern brides shift toward personalized weddings and respecting the roles of blended families. For your friend’s wedding, it is perfectly acceptable for her father to say “her mother and I do” if the bride wishes. As this is merely personalizing the wedding and honoring a loved one, your friend is not breaking any strict etiquette rules by using “her mother and I do”.

There are also other ways that couples are choosing to honor deceased loved ones. Your friend may wish to include something like this as well.

• Set up a memorial table for the deceased loved one that includes a photo and a small card with a sweet poem or a memento
• Have a moment of silence during the ceremony  (usually at the beginning of the ceremony before/directly after the bride is presented)
• Light a candle in the deceased’s honor
• Wear something that once belonged to or honors the deceased (such as a necklace, the mother’s veil, etc.)
• Have the father-of-the bride present a flower to the couple as he places the bride’s hand in the grooms (the flower represents the loved one)

There are also ways to honor a loved one during the wedding reception:

• Ask guests for a charitable contribution in the deceased’s name in lieu of wedding gifts
• Include the deceased in a wedding toast, or let the toastmaster know that this would be nice
• Choose the deceased’s favorite wedding cake flavor, place a small note beside the cake explaining this
• Cutting a piece of cake in honor of the deceased and either eating it later or presenting it to the surviving spouse

These are all very special and significant ways to honor someone who has passed before the time of the wedding ceremony. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a bride or groom wanting to honor their loved one. Including a small token of affection such as the ones above will help make the day feel “complete” for all who wish the deceased could’ve been present on the special day.

For more ideas on how to honor loved ones at your wedding, you may be interested in these brief articles:

Eight Unique Ways To Personalize Your Wedding
Honoring Others On Your Wedding Day

Ask The Celebration Advisor: Well this is a hard one My daughter is getting married in April 2010 and has not spoken to her Dad in 2 yrs because of a argument that involved his new girl friend..She misses him dearly and would love him to give her away at her wedding..But she just won’t give in to talk to him about it..Is it wrong for me to talk to him and to let him know that this is what she wants more than anything is him to be there and to give her away…Its very hard on her and me I not sure I want to help as I think this would make her wedding day be complete Thanks Cheryl

Celebration Advisor

You do have quite the dilemma.  As a parent, you want to give your child everything they want and deserve.  When your child is an adult, it is harder to do this without seeming like you are trying to control the situation.  So, the answer to your question boils down to the relationship you have with your daughter and your part in the argument she had with her father.  If you had nothing to do with the argument, it is perfectly acceptable to act as an mediator between the two.

Before doing so, I would first ask myself a few questions. Do you have a cordial relationship with her father? Do you speak to him on an occasional basis? Does he want a relationship his daughter?  If the answers are basically yes.  You can certainly act as a mediator for the two of them.

I would begin with your daughter.  Have a frank and open conversation with her.  Not every wedding ceremony involves the father giving the bride away.  Discuss the options with her. Giving the bride away can be an honor held by someone other than the biological father.  She can have you, a favorite uncle, a special grandfather or a family friend give her away. It may even help her to understand the wedding tradition behind giving the bride away.  But if down deep in her heart her wedding will only be complete if her father gives her away, let her know that you are will to speak to her father for her.

Communication between you and your daughter is the key in this situation.  As long as she is ok with you discussing the wedding with her father, it will be perfectly acceptable for you to do so.

May her wedding be the happiest day of her life.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I have been best friends with my friend Gemma since we were in elementary school. She’s really good friends with my fiancee also, but she already has a maid of honor. Is it ok if my best man is a woman? ~ Jeron in Montpelier

The Celebration Advisor: We see it in movies all of the time. Guys and girls are best friends and forsake same-gender friendships. These are usually the romantic comedies that end up with those friends getting together in the end. They’re fun to watch and oddly enough are beginning to skew the way traditional wedding etiquette affects the “best man” honor.

Yes, it’s acceptable but there are obviously many things to consider before giving this honor to your best friend. First, is your best gal pal willing to take up the duties of the best man? She won’t be wearing a tuxedo so she won’t be at the fittings and likely will not be dealing with them. Therefore, responsibilities like these will fall to you or another groomsmen. If you can overlook this, go for it.

Also, consider your fiance’s feelings. What does she think? Is she ok with it? Would she rather have her as a bridesmaid? Because of those crazy romantic movies, this is something that requires serious conversation before action is taken. If your fiancee feels that it is a nice gesture, you’ve found an incredible woman and are lucky to have two great women in your life!

Do you have a brother or best guy friend who will feel slighted? If the answer is no, you are not in the wrong to make a woman your best man. If you do have males who would better fit the role, give this consideration before making your decision.

The simplest answer is that yes you can make a woman your best man but there are far too many things to consider first for it to be an easy choice to make.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I am divorced and my ex husband wants our children to be in his daughter’s wedding. The issue is this: He wants the kids to wear certain outfits to the wedding and he feels like I should have to pay for them.  I feel he should since it is his daughter’s wedding. What is wedding etiquette in this situation? Andrea

Celebration Advisor Reply:

Normal etiquette dictates that parents of children included in the wedding party are responsible for the clothing and transportation.  However, your case turns a black issue into a gray one.  A common sense approach would say – since he is their parent and it is his daughter’s wedding, your ex-husband should pay for the outfits.

However, he may want more than a common sense resolution to this dilemma. I suggest viewing this case as you would other child compensation issues when it comes to special events that involve only one parent.  For example, who would pay for the snorkeling gear for a beach vacation the children take with you.  On the flip side, who would pay for the ski outfits for a skiing vacation the children take with him.  This situation should be approached the same way and will satisfy proper etiquette rules at the same time.

Hopefully, you and your ex-husband will be able to come to fair and equitable terms.

This wedding etiquette tip was brought to you by weddingandpartynetwork.com, you number 1 source for wedding planning.

Ask The Celebration Advisor:

For a Catholic wedding ceremony on Long Island, NY, in the wedding processional, what side of the aisle does the bride’s father walk on when he escorts the bride down the aisle? I’ve gotten different answers to this question. Sheila

Wedding Expert Reply:

According to the Catholic Rites of Marriage, the procession should be as follows:

Lectors, and altar servers go first, followed by the priest, and then the bride and bridegroom.  Their parents and two witnesses may escort the bride and groom as dictated by local custom.

However, in the United States, the bride is usually escorted by her father with the bride on the left and the father on the right.  I suggest consulting with the priest who will be officiating the wedding ceremony.  Each parish may have its preferred wedding procession tradition.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I’m planning the rehearsal dinner with my fiancee and we are not sure who should be invited. We need to give the caterer and banquet hall a head count but can’t because we don’t know who to invite. Who do we invite?

The Celebration Advisor: Unfortunately for your caterer, there is no magic number of guests at the rehearsal dinner. Fortunately, there are a few hard and fast wedding etiquette rules that will help you narrow that number down for your vendors. First, your wedding party and their dates/families are definitely invited to the rehearsal dinner. This includes the bridesmaids, groomsmen, maid of honor, best man and their respective dates. Unless otherwise specified, families are usually accepted. Most of the time this is an adult-only gathering but that preference is completely yours.

Out of town guests are often invited to the rehearsal dinner also. This gives them a chance to visit with the bride and groom before the ceremony. Since there is no time after the wedding and little time on the day of, this is a great chance to keep out of town guests from feeling slighted.

Aside from the wedding party and guests, most couples want their parents and grandparents there. Immediate family is a definite if they are available to attend.

Rehearsal dinners can be anywhere from 5-50 people. Just keep in mind that, according to traditional wedding etiquette, the people invited to the wedding rehearsal will always include:

• Parents, grandparents and other immediate family
• Out of town guests (if applicable)
• The wedding party (bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc,)

Have a great time and don’t forget to come back to Wedding And Party Network to share your engagement party photos with us!

I get this question a lot. Many brides want to know if they can ask for money or set up a money tree in lieu of other wedding gifts. Etiquette is pretty clear cut in this issue. It is traditionally very improper to ask for money as a wedding gift. The keyword here is traditionally. While It is not against wedding etiquette for close friends and family to contribute to the cost of the wedding, asking for money instead of a traditional wedding gift is a big No-No.

Keep in mind that modern wedding etiquette is constantly changing to reflect the needs of a new and diverse group of Echo Boomer Brides. Many couples are opting for store certificates, gift cards or cash instead of wedding presents. This may not set well with older guests, but younger wedding guests will be ok with asking for cash wedding gifts.

I’ve attended very few weddings where money trees were used. However, these are not entirely inappropriate. Money trees are usually used where there is no registry. Also, guests are warned ahead of time that a money tree will be presented at the reception instead of other wedding gifts. In this way, no guests are inconvenienced by forgetting to bring cash. Guests who bring gifts will not feel foolish nor will guests who fail to bring a gift.

Quite honestly, issues like this happen a lot when money trees are used. Guests who do not bring a wedding gift and provide cash instead feel like a heel when someone else comes in with a regular gift. Guests who bring in a gift feel a little underappreciated because they could’ve just as easily brought a $20 instead of feeling silly carrying in a package when no one else brought one.

While a money tree is not inappropriate for smaller weddings without wedding registries, the bride and groom must make sure that all guests are aware of this preference. As far as asking for money goes, view this modern wedding etiquette post to find out how to ask for cash wedding gifts.

Some couples announce that they would rather have a charitable donation made in lieu of gifts. Since this is not asking for money but rather asking that money go to a cause, this is a generally accepted practice.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: How could I eloquently ask for cash gifts and/or store certificatest instead of presents at the wedding? ~ Casey

The Celebration Advisor: Typically, giving cash wedding gifts is a big no-no according to traditional wedding etiquette. However, modern weddings are seeing a huge spike in the request for cash gifts or gift cards instead of presents. Don’t stress about cash wedding gift etiquette though! When you’re in a pinch and need to find out how to go about asking for cash instead, simply remember these things.

* You will want to make this request where you would have announced your registry. It is also a traditional duty of the maid of honor and best man to spread this information around. Make sure those two parties are aware of your wedding gift suggestion as well.

* You can politely request money without asking for cash outright which would likely offend older guests. Instead, list things like these where you would normally announce your registry:

• “Bride and groom respectfully request cash gifts in lieu of wedding presents.”
• “Bride and groom respectfully request cash gifts or gift cards to *your favorite ‘home’ store* in lieu of wedding presents.”

You can also substitute your name and your groom’s name for “bride and groom” as this will personalize it a bit. Keep in mind though that personalization is great for younger guests but maintaining a more traditional tone will help soften any offense that older guests may have.

* You can announce that you will be having a cash money tree at your wedding/wedding reception instead of wedding gifts. I have been to many weddings that prefer this option because it’s fast and easy. Still, guests should be warned in advance.

I hope your wedding goes as smoothly as announcing your cash wedding gift preference. Best of luck!

Ask The Celebration Advisor: I am the Mistress of Ceremonies at an upcoming wedding, and I am having trouble finding the “proper” etiquette for seating a grandfather (grandmother not living).  The bride want’s the other grandmother ushered in with her husband following; but in the case where there is just a grandfather and no grandmother, how does that work? Does he just follow the first set of grandparents down the aisle, or what? ~ Suzanne C.

The Celebration Advisor: Suzanne, this is (as you know) a rather interesting situation. In Christian ceremonies (different for Judaic), grandparents tend to be seated just before the processional begins. To ease the bride’s concern, here are “proper” wedding etiquette options for seating her grandfather.

**Since the bride’s grandmother will not be ushered by her husband, it is perfectly acceptable to have the single grandfather follow the others down the aisle. This will typically be the most acceptable and best regarded option.

**If the bride’s grandmother and grandfather were to walk together, the bride should ask someone to usher her single grandfather. This could be a female family member not in the wedding party (an aunt, a close cousin, etc.). It should never be a member of the wedding party as this would cause them to have “double duty”. Her grandfather may request to walk alone but the option should be provided just in case.

**Though it is less traditional to have a man walk first, you could seat the single grandfather first if he is the father of the mother of the bride. The matriarchal lineage dictates the order of the wedding processional, especially seating grandparents and stepparents. Even if his wife has passed, her grandfather may be seated before the set of grandparents. Again, this is a less traditional processional and should only be used if the grandfather or the bride is sensitive to having him walk alone.

Ask The Celebration Advisor: Hi, Is it appropriate to wear a nice style black dress (knee length) to a GA wedding. The ceremony & reception are indoors and start at 5:00 p.m. The mother of the groom & her mother shared that they didn’t think it was appropriate. I emailed the bride and she indicated that it’s absolutely fine & appropriate and that i would probably not be the only one wearing black.

We are from the north (Maine)and I have heard that it’s o.k. to wear black, especially if it’s in the evening. If the bride is fine, should i worry about what the brides parents might think? My thoughts are that black is in now, but i don’t want to offend anyone. I was hoping to get a perspective from the pros. Thanks for any
advice/feedback.~ Sharon

The Celebration Advisor: Wearing black? A woman after my own heart! The answer to your question is a simple one. Wedding attire etiquette is on your side with this one. Yes, it is now acceptable to wear a formal black dress (knee-length or longer) to a wedding. However, traditionally one would stray from black as it is a color reserved for highly formal occasions or funerals.

Though you are well within wedding attire etiquette to wear black, I would consider the mindset of the people at the wedding before making your decision. Southerners are big into the more traditional wedding etiquette and way of doing things. Therefore, the mothers of the couple will not be the only ones judging you based on a black dress. Southerners usually associate dark colors with funerals. Therefore even for an evening wedding it will not be well regarded in the South to wear black wedding attire.

If you are attending a less traditional wedding (which can be assumed since the bride is ok with it), you will be okay to wear black according to wedding attire etiquette. The bride is right that many women wear black to weddings these days so you will not feel alone. Just consider the understood practices of Southerners for this wedding.